sleepless nights with PTSD

Hello, again friends,

I don't feel like writing in black today, just too damn gloomy of a color kinda reminds me of death and such or depression.  Anyhow, had an absolutely horrible sleep last night, went to bed fine, woke up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom after asking my wife what time it was.  They began to show up shortly after I went back to bed, no warning, no fear trigger, they just showed up.  It started with my regular 3 ghosts, the 9, 5 and 2-year-old kids burned in fires, I could remember some events of the calls but it was more like just noticing parts of them, especially their hair, just long hair probably combed by their parents that morning...I don't want to think about it right now, I see them so often, I even still count how old my little 9-year-old burn victim would be.....25 this year, she had her whole life ahead of her.  I don't know why but then a few babies faces that I treated but died, I could see the nurses still walking around the ER holding the baby and crying, I then flashed to another medic that was on one of the burn calls and remember just hugging her as she stood in the back of the ambulance just crying....sobbing really and I.....I didn't shed a tear...how sad is that?  I saw so many victims faces last night I finally fell asleep around 5 a.m. only to wake in the morning at 730 a.m. to get the kids off to school.  My wife gave me a hug when I got up and mentioned my night.....I gave her a pat on the back, I wish I could give her more affection...I just don't have any to give.  
     I am sorry if this sounds so gloomy but it was just a rough night, sometimes this happens in the day, but a lot happens either around 3 a. m., or just as I'm going off to sleep.....going off to sleep, it used to be so easy but I hear every sound in the house, when I hear voices outside on the road I am so alert thinking someone is getting hurt or fighting, I don't know I am just so almost nervous inside myself but I can't explain it.  The door closed gently the other night in our bedroom and I just about jumped out of my skin, woke up suddenly throwing the covers off, heart pounding, mind wide awake ready to take on whatever the emergency!......it was just the wind, go back to sleep.  Anyhow, today is another day and we will try to push on, I'll talk to you again tomorrow, I've started a facebook account and linked a couple of sites that might help.

facebook damaged medic