A question many of you might be asking yourself is why does this guy not just keep a personal journal, why does he need to air his baggage out online? That is a very good and fair question. I have kept journals for years and most have never been shown even to my wife, and personal journals work for me but what I have come to realize is that although PTSD is something I have, it is also something that is bigger than me and bigger than any of us as individuals.
It is my hope that by blogging it will allow my family and friends to have a better understanding of who I am now and why I may act in ways that may seem strange to them. This blog is also a place to share my journey so that others like me might come to realize that they don't have to live in the shadows of fear any longer, that there is a place, a community where they can come and step into the light without the anxiety that they won't belong or that they will be misunderstood. I want this to be a place of healing where no one has to be alone. I would like to use this as an opportunity to promote awareness of PTSD in the paramedic community and to chip away at the stigmas that go with with the label.
On a personal level this blog allows me to open up on my own terms, allowing me the freedom to work through the demons, nightmares and ghosts that haunt me on a daily basis without having to express them to you in an intimate face to face discussion. The blog is also a small but very important active step for me to begin the healing process by becoming more socially active. Many of you will say that using social media is hardly being socially active but I can assure you for me it is more social than I have been in the past 6-8 years. (Baby steps). Over time these posts will allow me to look back and reflect on where I have come from and where I am going.
As time goes forward my hope is that these posts will be a place to meet new friends and colleagues. It is often stated that no man is an island and that true healing is often found in the context of community, it is this community that I hope over time may provide you and I with some of that healing. I would like this to be a place where anonymity is honoured and where love, compassion and mutual respect can flourish in community. Hopefully you will provide me with feedback that lets me know you understand me, but also you can provide me with expressions of agreement or disagreement just not judgement please.
As I continue to flesh out the reasons for choosing a blog over a personal journal I can't but hope that this blog will bring an awareness of the stressors of the job to both the community of paramedicine, and also to the greater communities that we work and live in. I want the public to gain a better understanding that paramedics are not invincible and that we are impacted by what we see and do and these often leave lasting impressions on us, over time they can be quite debilitating. This blog will also provide you with the opportunity to gain insight into how I function as a paramedic, I will describe to you some of the calls that I was involved in. I will bring you into my world and explain what thoughts I had at the time of the incidents and also provide you with my current thoughts and the impacts if any the calls have had on my life.
To Paramedics and your families I hope to provide you with a place to vent, learn, share, heal and grow. In the life of this blog I want to provide us all with a community that knows there is a path of healing and encourages men and women to walk this path and to reach out for help when we feel we are lost or can't go on. This blog will have some reference materials for all to freely use and in time I hope to have a website and facebook page that will have links to as much information that we can gather so that you also can heal and eventually be whole again.
Finally my friends I want to encourage you to not give up, don't be afraid to reach out to others if you are hurting and if you don't know who to reach out to please reach out to me through email, never feel you have to take this path alone.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0FjYWS3Enwk
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Getting to know me
In 2012 Ontario stats showed that 7000 people worked as a paramedic in some capacity and Canadian stats from 2006 showed that 21000 people classified themselves as working paramedics. Studies vary in regards to the percentage of civilians who develop PTSD and put it around 10-20%, it is important to note that the EMS community has been shown to be 2X more likely to suffer from PTSD. One study by (Alexander and Klein, 2001) stated "1/4 - 1/3 of paramedics show traumatic stress symptoms in the high to severe range at any given time."
As this is the first post I will use it to introduce myself, in further posts I will explain to you why I chose to blog rather than keep a personal journal, explain to you what this blog will be about and provide you with access into my world and some of the calls that haunt me to this day. I will provide you with avenues through which you can contact me as well as provide you access to important articles and relevant information and websites that you can use or share in your circle of friends.
I am an advanced care flight paramedic who finished the critical care program and is awaiting certification testing....well, thats where I was less than a month ago. The other week my physician placed me on indefinite leave and currently am on short-term disability. I don't know if I can ever return to this line of work, what is worse is that I am not sure I can ever show compassion for another human being, right now I can't do either.
I grew up in Southern Ontario in a middle class family, my parents divorced when I was 12 and although initially it was hard to uproot from my original friends and neighbourhood I adjusted, made new friends and remained outgoing and also became quite involved in athletics. High school was fun and I was both a Jock and a socialite and graduated fairly well prepared to step into the working world. I kicked around a few menial jobs before moving to the Vancouver, BC area where I became heavily involved with the St. John Ambulance and started working as an Industrial First Aid Attendant. I settled in North Vancouver and while I was there I read a book that forever changed my life: Report from Engine Company 82, by Dennis Smith. I would become a Fireman just like my heroes in the book because it all seemed so exciting and the loyalty they had to each other reminded me of all the sports teams I played on when I was growing up, the problem I had was that in the early 1990's there wasn't a lot of Fireman jobs to be had so I chose what in my mind was the next best thing, the Ambulance Service.
The British Columbia Ambulance Service had a long waiting list to get full-time employment so after discussing my options with a few friends I chose to pack my bags and head back to Ontario. Within 5 years of returning to Ontario I passed the Ambulance and Emergency Care program at college and secured 2 part-time jobs with provincial ambulance services. The part-time jobs were fun but in my mind they didn't hold the excitement of the big city where Ambulance work was a rush, the lights flashing, siren screaming, weaving in and out of traffic and driving through red lights always going to calls that end up on the evening news or morning papers. I finally got my chance when I received a call from Metropolitan Toronto Ambulance telling me I secured a full-time position with their service. That Ambulance, that uniform, it made me a hero and heroes are invincible right?
I am now 42 years old, married to my wife of 17 years and father to our 3 boys ages 13, 10 and 7. I have worked in EMS for the past 16 years 10 of those were spent in the trenches of Metropolitan Toronto, but it could have been anywhere. This is where this journey starts this is the path we are going to walk down...together because this is where a lot of my struggles came from. This job has changed me from the outgoing, fun-loving jovial person I once was into someone else. I am a statistic, another paramedic who struggles with PTSD. The person I have become is best described by my Doctors description on my medical form, "it is my observation and assessment that (damagedgoods.....the alias I will call myself here) does display known symptoms of Vicarious Traumatization such as social withdrawal, irritability, mood swings, cynicism, difficulty establishing and managing boundaries as well as what may be perceived as aggression."
It is my hope that you will join me on this path to healing and wholeness, whoever you are and wherever you are and know that you don't ever have to walk this path alone.
As this is the first post I will use it to introduce myself, in further posts I will explain to you why I chose to blog rather than keep a personal journal, explain to you what this blog will be about and provide you with access into my world and some of the calls that haunt me to this day. I will provide you with avenues through which you can contact me as well as provide you access to important articles and relevant information and websites that you can use or share in your circle of friends.
I am an advanced care flight paramedic who finished the critical care program and is awaiting certification testing....well, thats where I was less than a month ago. The other week my physician placed me on indefinite leave and currently am on short-term disability. I don't know if I can ever return to this line of work, what is worse is that I am not sure I can ever show compassion for another human being, right now I can't do either.
I grew up in Southern Ontario in a middle class family, my parents divorced when I was 12 and although initially it was hard to uproot from my original friends and neighbourhood I adjusted, made new friends and remained outgoing and also became quite involved in athletics. High school was fun and I was both a Jock and a socialite and graduated fairly well prepared to step into the working world. I kicked around a few menial jobs before moving to the Vancouver, BC area where I became heavily involved with the St. John Ambulance and started working as an Industrial First Aid Attendant. I settled in North Vancouver and while I was there I read a book that forever changed my life: Report from Engine Company 82, by Dennis Smith. I would become a Fireman just like my heroes in the book because it all seemed so exciting and the loyalty they had to each other reminded me of all the sports teams I played on when I was growing up, the problem I had was that in the early 1990's there wasn't a lot of Fireman jobs to be had so I chose what in my mind was the next best thing, the Ambulance Service.
The British Columbia Ambulance Service had a long waiting list to get full-time employment so after discussing my options with a few friends I chose to pack my bags and head back to Ontario. Within 5 years of returning to Ontario I passed the Ambulance and Emergency Care program at college and secured 2 part-time jobs with provincial ambulance services. The part-time jobs were fun but in my mind they didn't hold the excitement of the big city where Ambulance work was a rush, the lights flashing, siren screaming, weaving in and out of traffic and driving through red lights always going to calls that end up on the evening news or morning papers. I finally got my chance when I received a call from Metropolitan Toronto Ambulance telling me I secured a full-time position with their service. That Ambulance, that uniform, it made me a hero and heroes are invincible right?
I am now 42 years old, married to my wife of 17 years and father to our 3 boys ages 13, 10 and 7. I have worked in EMS for the past 16 years 10 of those were spent in the trenches of Metropolitan Toronto, but it could have been anywhere. This is where this journey starts this is the path we are going to walk down...together because this is where a lot of my struggles came from. This job has changed me from the outgoing, fun-loving jovial person I once was into someone else. I am a statistic, another paramedic who struggles with PTSD. The person I have become is best described by my Doctors description on my medical form, "it is my observation and assessment that (damagedgoods.....the alias I will call myself here) does display known symptoms of Vicarious Traumatization such as social withdrawal, irritability, mood swings, cynicism, difficulty establishing and managing boundaries as well as what may be perceived as aggression."
It is my hope that you will join me on this path to healing and wholeness, whoever you are and wherever you are and know that you don't ever have to walk this path alone.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Life and a link
Thank you to those that left encouragement and understanding it is appreciated.
The last few days have been a struggle for me, I think it started just after leaving the "shrink". During the last session we talked general stuff and he then allowed me to vent, following that he asked me kind of casually if I wanted to share a call that stuck out in my mind, one of the faces or "ghosts" as I call them. It seemed a harmless enough question and I assumed because it is so often present in my mind I would start with the memory of "the 9 year old girl". Eventually I will post this as a separate story but to summarize, my first month or so working in Toronto I was working in North Etobicoke when the call came in for a fire standby, no further information. You have to understand that I worked in a provincial service prior to this and any time I went to a fire standby it was a barn on fire and nothing would ever come from it.....that all changed on this hot July afternoon. When we pulled out of the station we could see a large amount of thick black smoke pushing up into the blue sky, we rounded the corner and were immediately faced with 3 young children laying on the grass in front of the burning home and a young boy about 11 years old being escorted out of the house coughing every time he tried to catch his breath trying to tell the firefighters his sister was still inside. My partner and I began to provide care to the children when suddenly I heard a commotion and looked up in time to see a firefighter walk out from the smoke with a limp, lifeless body of a young girl in his arms. The fireman glanced around frantically looking for someone to help, thats when our eyes met and as he began walking towards me I could feel my heart beginning to sink and this incredible sense of fear....I thought no, don't bring her to us we already have 4 kids to deal with, before I knew it she was on our stretcher.
The events of this call have haunted me from those hot summer days in 1999 until the present. Over the last few days I have had trouble sleeping, my emotions seem to be very close to the surface and I have opted from going out with my family to a friends house, felt more nervous around crowds and probably the two issues that have been most prevalent are the hyper vigilance anytime I hear a siren or loud, sudden noise and these moments of just kind of staring out and seeing these calls replay like see through movies, if that can make sense to you? Anyhow I needed to get this out and I will write getting to know you part 3 and 4 in the coming days.
Here is a link to a website that has some great information regarding mental health and PTSD in particular.
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/ptsd/
Until next time, take care of yourself and others.
Damagedgoods
The last few days have been a struggle for me, I think it started just after leaving the "shrink". During the last session we talked general stuff and he then allowed me to vent, following that he asked me kind of casually if I wanted to share a call that stuck out in my mind, one of the faces or "ghosts" as I call them. It seemed a harmless enough question and I assumed because it is so often present in my mind I would start with the memory of "the 9 year old girl". Eventually I will post this as a separate story but to summarize, my first month or so working in Toronto I was working in North Etobicoke when the call came in for a fire standby, no further information. You have to understand that I worked in a provincial service prior to this and any time I went to a fire standby it was a barn on fire and nothing would ever come from it.....that all changed on this hot July afternoon. When we pulled out of the station we could see a large amount of thick black smoke pushing up into the blue sky, we rounded the corner and were immediately faced with 3 young children laying on the grass in front of the burning home and a young boy about 11 years old being escorted out of the house coughing every time he tried to catch his breath trying to tell the firefighters his sister was still inside. My partner and I began to provide care to the children when suddenly I heard a commotion and looked up in time to see a firefighter walk out from the smoke with a limp, lifeless body of a young girl in his arms. The fireman glanced around frantically looking for someone to help, thats when our eyes met and as he began walking towards me I could feel my heart beginning to sink and this incredible sense of fear....I thought no, don't bring her to us we already have 4 kids to deal with, before I knew it she was on our stretcher.
The events of this call have haunted me from those hot summer days in 1999 until the present. Over the last few days I have had trouble sleeping, my emotions seem to be very close to the surface and I have opted from going out with my family to a friends house, felt more nervous around crowds and probably the two issues that have been most prevalent are the hyper vigilance anytime I hear a siren or loud, sudden noise and these moments of just kind of staring out and seeing these calls replay like see through movies, if that can make sense to you? Anyhow I needed to get this out and I will write getting to know you part 3 and 4 in the coming days.
Here is a link to a website that has some great information regarding mental health and PTSD in particular.
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/ptsd/
Until next time, take care of yourself and others.
Damagedgoods
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