Phoenix Rising

I have been turning wood on a lathe for the last year or so. I enjoy it and it allows me to create beauty. There is an old story of a bird called the phoenix.

Wikipedia states:
“In Greek mythology, and in the Talmud, a phoenix (Ancient Greek: φοῖνιξ phoînix; Latin: phoenix, phœnix, fenix) is a long-lived bird that is cyclically regenerated or born again. Associated with the Sun, the phoenix obtains new life by arising from the ashes of its predecessor.”

I think that the phoenix should be one of the symbols of PTSD or perhaps my ptsd “spirit animal”. When I was diagnosed with PTSD and removed from my position as a Paramedic it was extremely difficult on me, initially I kept telling myself I loved the job and would be back very soon but days turned into weeks which turned into months and now almost 3 years later I don’t have a job to go back to. It wasn’t until this morning when I started to dabble into LinkedIn that I realized the lessons I am learning from wood turning.

When I am looking at a log or a downed tree I am able to look past what it is and more to what it can be, you see, I take a section out of that tree and cut it with a chainsaw and band saw until it resembles a rounded block called a blank. (A beautifully significant name because it is no longer a tree it is a clean “blank” slate able to become anything.)

I look at this hunk of wood that used to be a log of irregular shape and although it used to be a part of something bigger than itself, it is no longer. I can see the rings of the tree and muse that it has the same number of rings that I had years of service as a paramedic. The rings are not all equal, some years produced large growth rings while others produced only small, lean years of growth. Upon further inspection I can see little areas of infection and decay because the tree lay on the ground. Funny how similar this piece of wood and I are and so I take this wood, find its center and mount it on the lathe…. I take a deep breath in and let it out as I take a moment to relax and center myself, in this moment we both have purpose and we both have an inner beauty waiting to be discovered, or dare I suggest waiting to be reborn out of the ashes. My friends there is life after PTSD and if you can’t see it yourself, please trust me and lean on me and if you would like get in touch and I’ll teach you to wood turn and we can just hang out and know your not alone. A fantastic resource I recommend is #Ivegotyourback911

More about the turning process and evolution of beauty next time…

PTSD and time

I find it difficult to manage my time. Often I find the day goes by and suddenly its time for bed again. That is not to say every day is the same, but many days are quite similar. Take for example a simple list of things that need to get done in a typical day:

• make bed
• make coffee
• do laundry
• wash floors
• check/send emails

With PTSD my day tends to look more like this.

• get coffee
• look at laundry and think I should do it
• walk across the floor to my computer
• glance at emails and reply to important ones
• load up an online game and start playing
• realize its dark out and time to go back to bed

What is most odd about this reality is that everytime it happens, I am still baffled at how quickly the day passed by and how absolutely exhausted I am at the end of it!

sleepless nights with PTSD

Hello, again friends,

I don't feel like writing in black today, just too damn gloomy of a color kinda reminds me of death and such or depression.  Anyhow, had an absolutely horrible sleep last night, went to bed fine, woke up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom after asking my wife what time it was.  They began to show up shortly after I went back to bed, no warning, no fear trigger, they just showed up.  It started with my regular 3 ghosts, the 9, 5 and 2-year-old kids burned in fires, I could remember some events of the calls but it was more like just noticing parts of them, especially their hair, just long hair probably combed by their parents that morning...I don't want to think about it right now, I see them so often, I even still count how old my little 9-year-old burn victim would be.....25 this year, she had her whole life ahead of her.  I don't know why but then a few babies faces that I treated but died, I could see the nurses still walking around the ER holding the baby and crying, I then flashed to another medic that was on one of the burn calls and remember just hugging her as she stood in the back of the ambulance just crying....sobbing really and I.....I didn't shed a tear...how sad is that?  I saw so many victims faces last night I finally fell asleep around 5 a.m. only to wake in the morning at 730 a.m. to get the kids off to school.  My wife gave me a hug when I got up and mentioned my night.....I gave her a pat on the back, I wish I could give her more affection...I just don't have any to give.  
     I am sorry if this sounds so gloomy but it was just a rough night, sometimes this happens in the day, but a lot happens either around 3 a. m., or just as I'm going off to sleep.....going off to sleep, it used to be so easy but I hear every sound in the house, when I hear voices outside on the road I am so alert thinking someone is getting hurt or fighting, I don't know I am just so almost nervous inside myself but I can't explain it.  The door closed gently the other night in our bedroom and I just about jumped out of my skin, woke up suddenly throwing the covers off, heart pounding, mind wide awake ready to take on whatever the emergency!......it was just the wind, go back to sleep.  Anyhow, today is another day and we will try to push on, I'll talk to you again tomorrow, I've started a facebook account and linked a couple of sites that might help.

facebook damaged medic

Ghosts of the past (calls)

Coming Soon!

Education

Coming Soon!